It Should Have Been Me
by TheineMedicine
Summary: Elliot's getting married, and JD is having second thoughts.


**Author's Note: So, my last story was pretty cool. Anyway, so I was looking around for a version of "My Cold Shower," but couldn't find it. So, this is my rendition of it, using JD's point of view, with quite a bit of angst. Anyway, I hope it's a good one.**

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When Keith first proposed to Elliot as they were moving boxes into "our" house, two feelings passed through me. At first, when he bent down to one knee, proposing with the ancient line, "will you marry me?", I was shocked, but then I couldn't help but feel a fire of jealousy and envy rush through me. I mean, come on, she wouldn't marry Keith, right? But noooo, she had to say yes. However, her neurotic side butted in, fashionably late I might add, leaving her to blurt out that she needed it redone to her liking, acted out or not. So, now, I have to be in this awkward phase of pretending not to care, as she floated around on cloud nine.

Not to mention my feelings were constantly being reminded of, making it hurt a little more. Each person that sympathized with me made me feel much more worse and alone, which did not make me feel any better at all. Anyways, Elliot seemed completely oblivious to my feelings, but I am a pretty good actor I suppose. Still, it hurt, hurt to see her ignoring me, or not noticing that I still cared. I tried to ignore it; I tried to chase her friend down, to prove that I didn't care, but it was just a big fat lie, plain and simple. Plus, I couldn't get anywhere with the new chick, the only place I wound up after that was the very familiar cold shower. The pain of enduring the biting cold water while trying to imagine Great Aunt Judy's arm fat to attempt to quell the excitement slash disappointment from another failed attempt to have some sort of relationship. Funny, seeing as how I ended up eating room service with her, naked except for a bathrobe, only to be denied once again and, once again, I was left in a cold shower, feeling worse and worse. The next day, she even confused me with a guy who looks nothing like I do. That, for all it's worth, stung. It's like that with a lot of people, but this was just another sore reminder of my own irrelevancy.

Then, when Turk walked up to my look alike, "Hey, JD, can I borrow your scooter for some errands?" I walked up behind him, furious.

"He looks nothing like me," I shouted. Turk just whipped around to look at me incredulously, while the Egyptian looked thoroughly uncomfortable. To prove a point, I gestured wildly to his eyes, "He doesn't even have any laughter in his eyes!"

Turk hesitated for a second before slowly saying, "Neither do you..."

"Ha! You and your jokes, C-Bear," I laughed, tickled by his humor, "But I _always_ have laughter in my eyes, in fact-"

"No dude, you don't," He replied pointedly, a confused expression fitted to his face.

Whatever I was prepared to say caught in my throat as I stared at Turk with a disbelieving expression on my face, my eyes wide and my jaw half open, frozen in a state of shock. Then, I was running to the nearest bathroom quickly after that, to prove him wrong and to reassure me that I was still happy, and not dead, the feeling I have spent so long trying to deny. _I am fine, I am happy, right?_ I wondered, as I hastily entered the bathroom, stumbling to sink, grasping the edges. I leaned forwards into the mirror to get a better look at my eyes, on the hunt for the sparkle and brightness that made my ice-blue eyes seem glacier blue. However, I was sidelined by what I say, it took me completely aback. Emptiness, seeming to span the depths of my eyes, is what I saw first. It covered my glassy eyes, reflecting an abyss of emptiness; no joy, no happiness, hell, no _anything._ Surrounding my eyes was a dark purple tint, showing off to the world my one or two hour sleep schedule. My face was pale, even more so that it usually was; my weight seemed to have gone down even more so, whatever little 'fat' I had on the side of my hips was gone, leaving mostly muscle (Not that I didn't enjoy seeing it).

I left the bathroom hurriedly after that, trying to scrub the image from my mind. " _That doesn't mean anything, you're fine."_ A tiny voice whispered. In desperation, I believed it. My phone rang, startling me. After composing myself, I answered, "Y-ello?"

"JD, man, where are you? Elliot's bar proposal thing is starting." I guess I had been in there a lot longer than I had originally thought.

"Crap, give me a little. I gotta drive there. Won't be late though, so don't worry, give me like twenty minutes?"

"Ok, just get here ASAP, VB."

Snapping the phone shut, I rushed to my car, screaming out of the parking lot. I probably should have been more careful, but oh well. It was a quick drive, but I spent most of the time fighting down some intense feelings...like anxiety?

Entering the bar was like entering the door to the finality of the situation between Elliot and me; it fell over me when I passed through the door. It was too late for me, Elliot was moving on. I had waited too long; we had already tried so many times, but we ended up failing in the end. I shivered as the warmth washed over me, repelling the cold that was outside. The bar, for its part, was very nicely prepared for the occasion. Lights were strewn all over the walls and ceiling, giving a festive feeling to the originally blank and beige walls. Candles littered the tables, about 3 to one table. They all gave off a spicy incense, almost like if you mixed apples and cinnamon together, that spread through the whole room and replaced the usual smell of barf and stale beer. Standing by the door, I recognized most of the people present; heck, almost all of them worked at the hospital in some department. I didn't know the names of some, but there were Surgical, Nursing, Oncology, Internal Medicine, Hematology, Emergency Medicine, and Critical Care staff all present. I even spotted some orderlies and custodial staff in the back, surrounding the Janitor as they talked about something interesting. Probably the latest gossip on the new brand of ammonia or something, right?

I would have kept thinking about that, in fact, it would probably lead to a fantasy, but I shook myself of it when I spotted Dr. Cox by the bar, nursing a beer while glaring at the groups of people that surrounded him, probably coming up with multiple ways to kill all of them. I slowly ambled up to the bar, placing my arms on the table. I looked over at Dr. Cox, checking to see if he was looking, before sliding over to him. I glanced at the bartender before sighing, "Hey, one appletini please," I don't know what, but something came over me, and I craved the buzz of pure alcohol, "Actually, one scotch and a beer please," A whistle sounded to my left, and I looked over at Perry.

"You don't drink scotch, Newbie," Dr. Cox's voice was filled with disbelief, like he couldn't believe I actually did that, "It might burn your throat, Anna, so I don't know if you can handle it there..."

I just slouched farther over the counter, not really in any mood to answer his question, before taking a sip of the scotch. I made a sound in my throat as I felt the liquor burn a trail down, before looking up at Dr. Cox dejectedly, "So...when does Elliot get here?"

He looked at me with narrowed eyes, most likely looking for some way to pick apart my question, "Should be any time now. Say there, Clara, when are you and Gumball planning to hitch it? I know you girls love to sit on your couch and talk about it, but I want a date, I _rea-he-he-ly_ do. Did'ja happen to actually show up for ideas on how to propose, because let me tell you, I'm ab-solu-tely, positively, without a doubt, confident in your own ability to think up your own gay ideas."

My heart hurt a little in my chest at that. I didn't need this...this _crap_ right now. He kept going though, "Do you happen to have a girl friend here with you? I want to warn her about the future of your relationship, and I'll keep the main idea on the crashing and burning, _mmmmmkay?_ "

The rip at my heart got a bit more intense, "Nah, I was trying for a while to see if anyone was interested, but she didn't care," Under my breath, I mumbled, "No one does anymore, though, so I guess that's how it's going to be." Thankfully, the bar was too loud and crowded for Dr. Cox to hear me, but he looked at me with something bordering...concern? He opened his mouth to talk, but Jordan appeared and whisked him away, throwing over her shoulder, "I know nobody wants to talk to you, DJ, but Perry is mine, so you need to find another last-resort." I sniffed, hunching over a little farther over the bar top, cradling my beer like a life-line. Some time passed as I sunk into my thoughts, darkly reflecting on my isolation and loneliness, when a bustle of activity and hushed but urgent voices pulled me out of it.

"She's coming!" Jordan hissed, making sure everyone's attention was on the door, as the full audience was expected to pay full attention to the soon-to-be engaged Elliot.

Everyone shushed each other excitedly, and I gradually raised my eyes to the door, just as Elliot walked in. My breath caught in my throat, and a though rose unbidden to my mind, " _She looks beautiful."_ I suddenly thought back to my conversation with Melody when I entered the bar,

"You don't seem like the, uh, notch-on-your-bedpost type of guy. Why are you trying so hard to do me?"

"You know what? I don't even really know," That was all I could really say, but, no matter how hard I tried to deny it, I did know, and it really, really hurt. The reason had just walked through the door, and she looked stunning in a simple but elegant blue dress. She looked so natural, so, so, beautiful; it made me weak in the knees to just look at her. I wasn't the only one who thought so, as the crowd muttered their appreciation for her figure, and Keith's breath caught in his throat. Elliot's smile seemed to radiate the whole room, as she took in everything in the room, but seeming to pass over me without even seeing me. But don't worry, she saw everybody else.

"Oh! Oh my god!" Elliot cried out, her voice going an octave higher, hands on her heart, as she continued to drink in the bar decorations, "What is all this?"

Grinning, Keith got down on one knee. I knew what he was about to do. He was going to pull out that ring, and he was going to steal her from me. Forever. Suddenly, I wasn't there. I was sitting in a warm, comfortable couch, in a house I didn't know I owned. Curled up against me, her head on my chest, was Elliot, and we both sat there in compassionate silence, before I broke it, "You know what, I'm really glad that you're my wife." Elliot just smiled, finger slowly caressing my leg, "Me, too," Then, we kissed, and a spark ran across my lips. I would have liked to stay there forever, but I was pulled out of it by Keith, as he sighed in preparation, "Elliot, will you marry me?" He slowly slid the ring onto her finger, fitting it perfectly. She replied with a choked, breaking voice, "Yes. Oh my god, yes." Keith fist pumped, excitedly saying, "Awesome!" They slowly embraced each other, before kissing passionately, and as they did, I ran my finger over my lips, still feeling Elliot's phantom lips brushing over them.

Everyone erupted in cheers and applause in overwhelming happiness and warmth. I, still unnoticed by the bar, couldn't bring myself to do so. All my closest friends and companions stepped forwards to offer their congratulations, hugging Elliot or shaking hands with Keith, muttering congratulations or praise. They were happy for them, so why wasn't I?

Strangely, Elliot didn't approach me at all; either she didn't see me because she didn't look for me, or she did see me, and just didn't want to talk to me at all. Looking around me, I saw that I was alone, in the corner of the bar, observing all the joy and happiness while I slowly broke into pieces, blown away into the wind.

As I looked at all the relationships around me; some that had gone on forever, as Jordan kissed Perry, both smiling with pure love and compassion; Some that were reigniting, as Carla whispered something in Turk's ear, making his eyes go wide as he threw her over his shoulder before marching out of the bar, grins plastered to their faces; and some that had just begun, as Keith and Elliot continued to kiss in complete ecstasy, celebrating their future 'forever' together, I closed my eyes as my heart seemed to give out. I had never felt more lonely and pathetic than now, and it was true, I was truly alone this time. I thought back to all my relationships that I had messed up, or that went wrong. Was I meant to be alone? Was this my place in life? To never be truly happy, or never find my someone? Why?

That's it. This was too much for me, and I hung my head, let go a shaky sigh as I slowly clambered to my feet, and headed to the bar door. Weirdly enough, the bar seemed to get a bit blurry, so I guess my eyes began to mist up. As I reached the door, I glanced back to see if anyone had noticed my absence, or even cared. Apparently, nobody did; they were all too busy with their own conversations to notice that I was leaving with a dark cloud over me, or give a flying crap about me. _And there it was_. I slipped out of the bar quietly, trying to keep my head down as I slowly made my way to the car. The car ride home was dead quiet, and it gave me a lot of time to think about my own problems.

As I got to my house, I walked in slowly, dreading the inside secretly. Once inside, I locked the door and turned around to face a black and utterly silent house. I walked over to my couch, not bothering to turn the lights on, and I walked over to the couch and slowly sank down on it, staring emptily into the dark.

It was a while before I got up and slowly trudged up the stairs and headed to the bathroom, intent on taking a shower. I took off my clothes in a zombie-like fashion, my body functioning pretty slowly. I turned on the shower to ice cold and stepped in slowly, shivering in the cold. As I stood there, my eyes closed once more as I thought back to the past few days, but tonight, at the bar, especially. Reflecting on the night, I saw, through the blackness of my closed eyes, Elliot and Keith kissing, celebrating their love, as the who bar shouted in merriment. I saw them get married, as I watched from the back of the room, a sad look shadowing my face. I saw them have kids, saw them grow up, calling me "Uncle JD," never aware of my feelings. I saw them get old together, saw them hold each other lovingly after 50 years of love. Then, Keith was gone, and instead, I was there. And I was happy. I saw the fantasy I had at the bar again, but it all seemed sharper, and more warm and fuzzy. As the cold water continued to cascade down my body, a realization danced across my mind, and I slowly opened my eyes as it clarified.

It should have been me.

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 **Whelp, there we go. I really liked doing this, and enjoyed writing through JD. Still refining POV, but I feel like I'm getting there. I'd love to write more of these.**


End file.
